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The Man Who Could End Your Career!
Allow me to introduce myself. My name is the Terminator, and over coming months I hope to offer an alternative view of the thieves, villains and ne’er do wells that inhabit the modern match fishing world.

Let me start by running through the team who have commissioned me to write these pieces. They are, quite simply, the kind of people that others emigrate to avoid. As you approach their bank of desks, the first mug you are greeted with belongs to Tom Scholey, who is Digital News Editor for the company, a man of no consequence whatsoever, whose sexuality is the subject of much discussion.  

For those who weren’t aware, Tom used to work on Pole Fishing magazine, but was removed by management because the ‘Sheffield Streaker,’ as he has come to be known, kept asking to be photographed in features minus various items of clothing.

He is blessed with what he likes to call "a solid Yorkshire constitution" meaning a penchant for strong ale, and foods from the Dark Ages, such as tripe and onions and black pudding. Not a man you would want to follow into the toilet! 

The unfortunate consequences of this is a strong odour, that fouls the air surrounding his desk. In honesty, this is probably one of reasons for him being an abject sexual failure. Despite prowling internet dating sites in search of a ‘life partner’, he has suffered a string of rejections. Still, after turning up to meet his poor victims in nothing but a flat cap and a trench coat, and boring them with details of his previous weekend's match on the Stainforth and Keadby Canal, is that really surprising? He has been known to ask would-be conquests: "Do you know any good bloodworm ponds?"

On the desk next door is Pole Fishing’s Editorial Assistant, Matt Godfrey (definitely gay). Those who haven’t actually met Matt in person, could be fooled into thinking he is a modest, kind, unassuming and friendly kind of guy. In truth, this couldn’t be further from reality. Despite the fact that he sports a pale complexion and thick ginger hair, he need never worry about getting sunburnt.

The fact of the matter is, he lives in the shadow of one of the most inflated egos that I have ever come across. When he is not reliving one of the three children’s World Championships that he drew well enough to win, he can be found sorting through the many pictures of himself, that he constantly tries to force Editor Jon Arthur to put in the magazine. Many have also speculated that his soft spoken manner, effeminate body language, and love of moisturising products are tell-tale signs of closet homosexuality (told you).

Opposite Matt sits Joe ‘Big Ass’ Carass. Rewind three years, and Joe had a reputation of being one of the best match anglers In the country. This, though, was before he discovered the virtues of the fairer sex.

Since then, he has become a shadow of his former self, thanks in no small part to an ongoing relationship with a teacher, who bears a striking similarity to Matilda’s Miss Trunchball. Rumour has it that ‘Trunchball’ is allergic to light – as she teaches in a darkened room, and only lets Joe go fishing when a full moon is in the sky.

Next to Joe is Mr Hollywood himself, Match Fishing’s Editor, Alex Bones. A little known fact about Alex, is that he is a massive fan of pop star Peter Andre and models his physical appearance on his idol as closely as possible. It is also said they share a similar IQ.

Alongside his angling achievements, Hollywood is one of the UK’s leading consultants on male skincare and fashion, and has published three books on the subject. For those interested Alex’s three titles, 'Pull Off That Leotard: Alternative Fashion For The Modern Man', 'Small Talk: How Smart Dressing Gives A Bigger Voice To The Little Man' and 'Anal Bleaching: A Beginner's Guide" can be purchased from his online store. Did I mention he is a midget?

At the head of the department sits Jon Arthur, or ‘creaking gate’ as other members of his department like to call him. The poor man is blighted with health ailments, and more sensitive to the elements than anyone I have ever met.

Jon is a bit of a ‘lovey’ and still hankers for a career on the stage, but I fear that regular bouts of piles prohibit him from putting in a regular shift.

Alongside his more documented complaints, Jon has perplexed the medical world by diagnosing himself with some of the most bizarre angling-related problems that have ever been encountered by modern science.

If you too feel that you have been affected by ‘striker's knee', ’dobber's bollock’, ‘shipper's ear’, or worst of all, ‘drawer's elbow’ it is well worth giving Jon a call.