The Terminator (part Ii)

The man that could end your career…
A massive well done to Alex Bones, the likable dwarf and editor of Match Fishing magazine (or Captain Colgate as his team christened him, due to his regular trips to the teeth-whitening clinic), who has won the Van den Eydne/Matrix International Feeder Challenge that took place in Belgium this weekend.

First thing Monday, he strode into the office with two giant trophies. One was so large, in fact, that his team were able to give him a celebratory bath in it! The thing he likes the most about the giant cups, though, is not so much the sense of victory that he got from winning such an event, but the fact that the polished silver shows up his reflection! For the duration of the day, he could be seen checking himself, because, in his words, there is no point being a winner if you don’t look like a winner. Rumour has it, he has already approached a perfume company and hopes to release a commemorative fragrance later this year. He is also rumoured to be discussing the release of a new health supplement, to be named ‘Bonetree.’

The trials for the England intermediate team have also taken place this weekend and Gayboy Godfrey finished second after a late run of bream on the slider. Manager Mark Downes was said to be very impressed with all the young talent on display, and Godfrey said the same. He also now has a regular monthly column in Gay News, entitled “Trolling The Commercials.”

Also in attendance was Frankie Gianoncelli, though rumour has it that his performance on the day was less than satisfactory. For those who have never met Frankie, he is the kind of person who even a nun could punch.

Readers of the Match Fishing and Pole Fishing blogs will no doubt have stumbled across his work before and, from his ramblings, you could be forgiven for thinking that he is quite a good angler. In truth, the phrase ‘style without substance’ couldn’t be more relevant.

He boasts a fiery Mediterranean temperament and can lose his temper anything up to 100 times in the course of a match. He particularly dislikes waterfowl and firmly believes that anglers should be the only beings on the bankside. Perhaps the most worrying thing about him, though, is that he tells the offending creatures exactly how he feels about them. He once told me that coots are his least favourite creature on the bank, because they always argue back!

It is against my nature to say sorry, but I do feel I owe one man a big apology for not including him in last week's introductory roundup. As the Business Development Manager for Match Fishing and Pole Fishing, Graham Muddeman is a key part of our team. There is a good chance you will have seen him in your local tackle shop, boring the arse off anybody who will listen. He can’t recall when he won his last match, but they went home on a train!

Graham is a real ladies' man, and many of DHP’s female members of staff treat him as a shoulder to cry on. I doubt they would be quite so complementary if they knew how he occupied his spare time, however. Let's just say he dreads his computer ever having to go in for repair… know what I mean?

It is a little known fact that he boasts one of the UK’s largest collections of vintage German pornographic magazines, and is the proud owner of every single issue of specialist title ‘Leather Clad Oldies’. He also has an impressive array of blow-up dolls that occupy most of his front room. A French magazine even pay him £200 per month as an expert consultant on the inflatables, but he tells me that the money he earns only just covers his outgoings in puncture-repair kits!

Until next time, good day!

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